


just another attempt to make the voices stop

by twenty1p1lots



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Hearing Voices, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 21:50:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11022288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty1p1lots/pseuds/twenty1p1lots
Summary: Josh just wants Tyler to be okay again.Tyler just wants it to all stop.





	just another attempt to make the voices stop

**Author's Note:**

> This is sad. Very sad. Major character death, semi-graphic depictions of self harm, hearing voices (schizoaffective disorder/schizophrenia implied), and depression.
> 
> If you're going to read this, just be aware that it's a bit of a downer.
> 
> And, as always, stay safe and stay alive friends.

            “I’m bad for you, Josh.”

            “I hear that every day, Tyler. When will you listen to me? I don’t care about it, I don’t care about _any_ of it, I just want to be with you again, like we were.”

            Tyler rounded on Josh and stared at him. His eyebrows were scrunched together and there was no warmth in those big, caramel colored eyes of his. Josh almost felt himself shrink under Tyler’s gaze, but he held his ground.

            “No, Josh. When will you listen to _me_? You’re acting like a kid.”

            “How could you possibly say that to me? I’m always there for you Tyler, always, and you still push me away.”

            Tyler laughed, but there was nothing funny about this. “Did I ever ask you to be here for me? I don’t need you, Josh. I don’t need anyone. I need you to hear me when I tell you that. You don’t need to be my babysitter anymore.”

            “I still love you. You know I do. And no matter what you say, Tyler, don’t you _dare_ say you don’t love me too.”

            “Josh, this is never going to work. This, it’s all too much. You need to move on. Can’t you see I want to help you?”

            It was clear that Josh wasn’t going to leave, so Tyler stormed out of the room. The second he slammed the door, the voices in his head made him drop to his knees. He buried his fingers in his hair and screamed.

            “Stop it, please! Shut _up_!”

            Josh burst out of the door after Tyler.

            “Tyler, what’s – “

            Tyler shot up, backing away from Josh so quickly that he slammed into the wall behind him.

            “Don’t. Don’t you _dare_ take another step towards me Josh.”

            Josh had been trying so hard to be strong. But it had been months since Tyler’s incident and he was still so cold to Josh. Josh refused to give up. He refused to lose hope for Tyler, the love of his life, because he knew Tyler would never lose hope for him. He knew he had to fight for him; he had to believe that Tyler didn’t mean it when he said they couldn’t be together, because Tyler was hurting. And Josh wanted to be there to comfort him, to hold him, to love him like he used to, despite Tyler’s desperate attempts to push him away.

            Josh tried not to reminisce. It just hurt too damn bad. But when he saw Tyler like this, when he saw the amount of pain he was in, when he looked at Josh with those cold, unfeeling eyes, Josh’s mind couldn’t help but torture him with thoughts of happier times.

 

            _“Josh, this is ridiculous,” Tyler laughed, eyes closed and fingers laced with Josh’s._

_“Just a few more steps… Alright, open.”_

_Tyler’s eyes flew open and he grinned. He grinned so wide and it was so beautiful. Josh would do anything to see that smile._

_“A picnic? Josh Dun, this is cheesy even for you.”_

_“Anything for you, princess,” Josh teased, pretending to bow._

_It was an early summer night, one of those nights when Columbus was truly beautiful, when the fireflies had just begun their summer-long dance, when the setting of the sun left the air with a pleasant and calm feeling._

_Tyler turned around, Josh’s hand still in his._

_“Josh, I mean it. This is beautiful. Why do you do these things for me?”_

_“How can you ask me that? I’d do anything in the world for you. Now, come on, sit.”_

_The boys walked hand in hand and sat down across from each other, cross-legged, on the picnic blanket. Tyler was smiling, but his eyes looked sad._

_“What is it?”_

_Tyler was silent for a moment, before he finally lifted his head to look at Josh. He paused for a moment before speaking._

_“I don’t deserve you.”_

_“Don’t say that.”_

_“I mean it, Josh. You have no idea what happens in my mind. If you knew, you’d…”_

_“Hey, hey. Tyler, look at me.” Josh’s hand was on Tyler’s knee and Tyler sniffed. “We’ve talked about this. I know about it, I know about everything, Tyler. I still love you.” Josh had barely registered that the words had come out of his mouth._

_Tyler tensed up and his eyebrows creased. “You… what?”_

_Josh sighed. “I’m in love with you, Tyler. God, I love you so much. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”_

_Tears welled up in Tyler’s eyes. Josh started to speak again, but Tyler flung himself at Josh, knocking them both over onto the grass. And then he was kissing the life out of him, planting kisses on every square inch of his face until he and Josh were dissolved to giggles._

_“I love you too,” Tyler said when he finally pulled away. The amount of feeling in Tyler’s eyes was something Josh wanted to see for the rest of his life._

_“Say that again.” There was a child-like wonder in Josh’s eyes that Tyler had never seen before._

_“I love you.”_

_“Again.”_

_Tyler laughed softly. “I love you – I love you – I love you – Josh Dun, I am in love with you,” Tyler spoke in between kisses._

 

Josh had always hoped he would be enough for Tyler. He hadn’t been before. He hadn’t been able to stop Tyler. But he was still so, so _desperately_ in love with Tyler that he had to try.

Although Tyler would never admit it, he was still just as in love with Josh as the first day he’d met him. And that’s why he needed Josh to leave. Tyler wanted, more than anything, for Josh to see that Tyler was holding him back. Tyler was ruining his life. Tyler ruined everything he touched. He even managed to kill the light in Josh Dun, the light that used to emanate off of him so brightly it nearly blinded people like Tyler, people whose eyes were adjusted to the dark.

But sometimes there’s just not enough light to fill an entire abyss.

 

The voices were louder than usual after Tyler and Josh’s fight. They had this fight too often. Tyler knew that Josh wanted to help, but what he didn’t realize was that he was slowly killing Tyler.

“Stop it, I won’t! Please don’t make me, I don’t want to!” Tyler shouted into his pillow. If he was too loud he’d wake Josh and Josh was the last person in the world Tyler wanted to see right now.

The only reason Tyler and Josh even still lived together is because Tyler’s doctor as well as his parents insisted that he wasn’t safe to live alone. But Tyler didn’t feel safe at all, and he knew Josh wasn’t safe around him.

But Josh’s love for Tyler was too strong. He didn’t even understand what was happening to Tyler, but he refused to give up on him. Sometimes, that alone hurt Tyler more than any of the voices could.

 

Tyler hadn’t gotten out of bed in a few days. His door was locked, and no amount of Josh’s banging on it could get a reaction out of Tyler. Those were the days that were the hardest for Josh. Those were the days where he sobbed against Tyler’s door, begging him to come out. Those were the nights that Josh cried himself to sleep, where his dreams tormented him with happier times.

Tyler’s dreams weren’t happy anymore. He hardly even had dreams. Dreams used to remind Tyler that he was alive, that he had something to fight for. He used to see memories of happier times flicker before him like an old movie, showing times in Tyler’s life when he was truly happy, when he had something to live for. He needed to see that, to see that it was possible to feel happiness, but he just saw darkness now. And he’d begun to feel like there was no hope.

 

Several nights later, Josh heard a soft knock on his bedroom door. He nearly jumped out of his skin in shock. Tyler hadn’t come to him of his own volition since before the incident several months ago. Josh shot up and put his hand on the doorknob.

“Tyler? Is that you?” Josh had no idea who else it would be, but the thought of Tyler coming to see him was too good to be true.

“Yeah, Joshie. Let me see you.” Josh’s heart pounded furiously. He hadn’t heard that nickname in months. He slowly and cautiously opened the door.

Tyler was standing there, wearing boxers and a t-shirt. His hair was messy and his eyes were tired, but he was smiling lazily. It was hardly a smile, but it was the happiest Josh had seen Tyler look since before. He was sure he was dreaming.

“Is this a dream?”

“No, Joshie. I wanted to see you. I wanna… touch you.” Tyler spoke quietly, slowly reaching out his hand to brush it against the side of Josh’s face. Josh felt electricity pulse through him at the contact. He couldn’t remember the last time they touched like this.

“Tyler, oh my god…”

Tyler kept stroking Josh’s face, his other hand reaching up to gently twirl Josh’s bright red hair.

“Are you scared of me, Joshie?”

Josh’s eyes fluttered open in shock. He searched Tyler’s eyes for answers, but they were fixed on the hand that was in Josh’s hair.

“What? Of course not, Tyler.” Tyler sighed happily.

“Okay.” Tyler pushed into Josh’s room and shut the door behind him. He shuffled over to the bed and plopped himself down, eyes gazing towards Josh, who was still glued to his spot in surprise. They made eye contact for a moment before Tyler was biting his lip and looking down shyly.

“Please come touch me, Joshie.” Josh swallowed hard, unable to believe his ears. He should’ve questioned why Tyler came to him, he knew he should have, but he was being selfish. He wanted to feel Tyler so badly it hurt.

He nodded and sat down next to Tyler. He carefully reached one hand out to cup the side of Tyler’s face. Tyler hummed in response and leaned his head into Josh’s hand.

“If this isn’t a dream, then have I died and gone to heaven?”

Tyler opened his eyes and looked into Josh’s. His expression was serious.

“I wanna feel you, Josh. Please let me feel you.” With these words, Tyler grabbed Josh’s hand firmly and pulled it over to his own thigh. When Josh looked back up to Tyler, his head was thrown back, eyes closed.

“Tyler, what’s going on?” Tyler squeezed his eyes shut even harder, and he began to look concerned, or pained. Josh saw his adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed.

“Please, God, please Josh, I want you so bad, I need to feel you.”

Josh grabbed Tyler’s face in his hands and quickly closed the distance between them, crashing their lips together for the first time in months. The sensation was almost overwhelming and Josh felt like he might melt into a puddle right then and there.

Tyler returned the kiss hungrily, his hands wandering down underneath the hem of Josh’s shirt. Tyler and Josh quickly undressed each other before Tyler was straddling Josh’s hips and leaning down to kiss him again ferociously.

“Please make love to me Josh,” Tyler panted as he began pressing kisses to Josh’s neck, “please.”

Josh’s heart raced. They’d done it a million times, and yet this felt so different. It had been so long that it felt like the first time all over again. He gently turned Tyler over so that he was hovering above him, pressing soft kisses to all of his exposed skin.

The way they made love that night was sweet and gentle, so much unlike the times right before Tyler’s incident when he just wanted to be fucked senseless. Now he just needed to feel comforted, to be wrapped in a blanket of warmth as Josh hovered over him, looking lovingly into his eyes. All he wanted in the world was to feel Josh’s smooth skin against his, to feel his lips gently caressing him. After all these months, he just needed _Josh._

Tyler came to Josh’s room for four nights straight. But during the day, Tyler remained as distant as ever. He wouldn’t talk to Josh, not just about his problems, but about anything. He still avoided seeing Josh to the best of his ability, hiding in his room all day and refusing to make eye contact when they were in the same room together.

This put Josh more on edge than he usually was. At first, he was so caught up in the pleasure of feeling Tyler again that he hadn’t cared. But now, this all just seemed too weird. He had no idea what Tyler was doing or why he was doing it, but he knew it wasn’t right.

That night, Tyler came into Josh’s room again. Wordlessly, Tyler straddled Josh’s lap and kissed him, fiercely and hungrily.

It took Josh’s breath away, and for a moment the feeling of Tyler above him, the softness of his lips, all of the pleasure was so strong that he wished he could just kiss Tyler back, and hold him, and make love to him like he had for the past few nights. But his brain caught up, and he sat up, gently shifting Tyler off of him. Tyler looked confused and disappointed.

“Josh, please, I need you,” Tyler whined, fingers stroking lazily up and down Josh’s arm. Josh was so tempted, _too_ tempted, but he managed to breathe deeply and speak to Tyler.

“Tyler, what the hell is this? What are you doing?”

Tyler looked completely stunned.

“Josh, I don’t…” he started, before trailing off and looking down into his lap.

“Yes, Tyler, you do. You come in here every night and want to fuck, and during the day you’re still the Tyler you’ve been since –“

“Stop,” Tyler demanded. Josh immediately fell silent.

Tyler couldn’t talk about it. He couldn’t even hear about it. The worst part, the part that kept Tyler pushing Josh away, was that he wasn’t better. And he couldn’t get better.

Josh’s words stung. The way he’d implied that Tyler was different than he’d been since before the incident a few months ago proved that Tyler was hopeless. The old Tyler was gone.

Josh sighed and ran his hand down his face.

“And we can’t even talk about it, Tyler. After all these months, you’re still like this. The only thing we talk about is how you don’t want to be with me, and then you just come in and fuck me like it’s _nothing,_ like it doesn’t hurt me.” Josh choked out a sob. He stood up and paced the room. “I love you, Tyler.”

He spoke softly at first, tears streaming down his face. And then he was angry, everything he’d been holding back just pouring out all at once.

“I love you, dammit, don’t you get that? Does that really mean nothing to you anymore? Because it once meant the world to you, Tyler. But I wasn’t enough then, and I’m not enough now, and I can’t stand feeling useless, okay? I hate feeling useless, _fuck!_ ” Josh kicked the side of the bed, causing Tyler to jump.

Josh crumpled onto the floor, wracked by sobs, and Tyler could do nothing but stare. He didn’t speak; he didn’t move a muscle, even when he saw Josh curled into himself, sobbing pathetically.

All this time, Josh had been delicate with Tyler, acting calm and passive, as if his gentle words would convince Tyler that something would change. Tyler couldn’t handle seeing Josh like this. He couldn’t handle that he made Josh feel this way. It drilled into his mind, leaving him unable to react. He got this way a lot, frozen and unresponsive, like a mannequin.

And when Josh finally looked up to see Tyler unmoving, unblinking, he realized he hadn’t seen Tyler like this since the weeks after the incident. He almost screamed.

 _Oh God,_ he thought, _I’m making Tyler worse._

Much to Josh’s displeasure, his mind wandered back to the day when Tyler came undone.

 

_Tyler had acted like he was fine. Josh knew he was depressed, and had thoughts of self-harm and suicide, but Tyler had convinced him that everything was fine._

_Josh didn’t know about the voices._

_They were so loud, and they never shut up, no matter how desperately he begged them. The things they said to him were horrifying, and Tyler couldn’t take it anymore._

_He saw things, too. Figures, shadows, flashes of light, things moving around him even as he sat still._

_He was so scared. Only part of him knew that this was all in his head._

_He knew Josh loved him, and he knew he loved him too, but living was torturous. Josh believing that he was fine, unaware that Tyler was unwinding right before his eyes, was torturous._

_Eventually, the voices started asking for favors. They wanted him to climb things, as high up as he could get, and then they’d beg him to jump. He would always sob out a chorus of “I don’t want to die, please don’t make me,” and the voices would respond that he was better off dead. He was a nuisance, and a burden, and everyone in his life deserved so much better than him._

_So he believed them._

_The day started normally, only for things to come crashing down when Josh got home. He called out to Tyler, but got no response. He walked up the stairs, still calling Tyler’s name, when he heard the shower on._

_“Tyler?” Josh shouted as he knocked on the bathroom door. No response. He banged harder, shouted louder, and still heard nothing._

_He fidgeted with the doorknob, only to find it locked. As he shouted Tyler’s name again, he heard Tyler’s soft voice coming through the door._

_He was singing something, a tune that Josh didn’t recognize, and then he heard laughter._

_Panic flooded Josh’s veins. He forced the bathroom door open and dropped to his knees in horror when he saw Tyler._

_He held a razor between his fingers, and almost all of Josh’s field of vision was red. The blood was everywhere. It trickled out of the slits all over his body; his wrists, his stomach, his legs,_ everywhere _was covered. The blood mixed with the water from the shower and swirled down the drain, next to where Tyler was sitting._

_When he heard Josh come in, Tyler stopped singing and looked up._

_“Oh, Josh, you’re home early,” he said calmly. “Sorry for the mess. You weren’t supposed to see.”_

_Josh’s throat closed, and he thought he was going to choke. He fought through it to speak to Tyler, voice coming out strained and breathless._

_“Jesus, Tyler, what are you…”_

_“Don’t worry Josh, I’ll be fine! It stings a little, but it’s such a pretty color. And once it’s over, we’ll all be better.”_

_Josh barely made it to the toilet in time to vomit once, twice, three times. Suddenly, his mind sprang into action and he was calling an ambulance._

_As he waited, he turned off the shower and dragged Tyler out, wrapping him in a towel. Tyler whined softly, but made no effort to escape Josh’s arms._

_For just a moment, the shock wore off, and hot tears stung Josh’s eyes and rolled down his cheeks as he rocked Tyler in his lap._

_“Tyler, God, what the hell?” He said shakily, resting his chin on Tyler’s wet hair._

_Tyler blinked slowly, and then sniffed, before looking up at Josh._

_“Josh, you’re home early,” he began, shifting his focus to the wall in front of him. “Sorry for the mess. You weren’t supposed to see.”_

_Josh felt terror and dread rise in his chest. At that very moment, the paramedics came rushing in, asking Josh question after question as they carried him out._

_“How long has he been bleeding like this? When did he start?”_

_“I don’t know, I – I just got home, and he was like this.”_

_“Did he say anything to you?”_

_Josh’s heard thrummed in his chest. He didn’t want to think it, or hear it, or say it ever again. “Yes.”_

_“And?”_

_“He, uh…” Josh’s voice caught in his throat. “He said that I was home early, and I wasn’t supposed to see.”_

_Many, many hours later, a doctor came into the waiting room to find Josh sitting there, bouncing his leg anxiously as he sipped on black coffee._

_“Tyler is in stable condition. You may come see him now, Mr. Dun.”_

_Josh shot up from his seat and followed the doctor into a room, where Tyler was strapped up to a bunch of machines, his mouth hanging open and his eyes gently shut._

_Josh slowly approached Tyler, and took his hand. Tyler’s eyes fluttered open._

_“Hey, Ty, what’s up?” Josh asked gently. Tyler blinked once. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. He cleared his throat and tried again._

_“It didn’t work.”_

_And just like that, three words broke Josh’s heart into a million pieces. He knew he’d never be okay again._

_Tyler had an odd feeling in his stomach, a mixture of disappointment and terror. All he heard was a humming in his head. When he looked at Josh, he saw something that filled him with dread that he’d never felt before._

_He was completely broken._

_Tyler couldn’t live with knowing that he hurt Josh like this. And eventually, the voices would have a field day with this one, never neglecting to remind Tyler of the look in Josh’s eyes that day._

_He had ruined Josh Dun._

_Tyler went to the mandatory therapy, but never paid attention. Instead, he stared blankly and heard nothing but the voices, which made their appearance again just hours after Tyler had woken up._

_He’d been able to convince everyone that it was depression, and nothing else, that had caused his suicide attempt. The voices said that he couldn’t tell anyone about them. If he did, they’d all know he was crazy. They’d throw him in the loony bin. He did as he was told._

_“Mr. Dun has told us you said some… odd things, just after he found you, and again once you woke up. Mr. Joseph, do you ever see things? Hear things that aren’t really there?”_

_Tyler tried to act calm. He didn’t want to give it away._

_“No.”_

_“So… nothing, or no one, told you to do this.”_

_“I just wanted to die.”_

_“And why’s that?”_

_Tyler shrugged. “I don’t like being alive.”_

_The psychiatrist swallowed and adjusted her glasses. “What’s so bad about being alive?”_

The voices, _Tyler almost said._ No, _he remembered_. The mental hospital. They’ll call me crazy. They’ll lock me up.

_“I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t wanna die anymore. I’m okay.”_

_The psychiatrist sighed deeply and shifted in her swivel chair._

_“Mr. Joseph, I know it’s not that easy.”_

_Tyler chewed his lip impatiently. “I’ll be fine though, right? Some pills, a therapist, voila.”_

_“I hope you’ll be fine, Mr. Joseph. We’re doing everything we can to help you.”_

Tyler convinced everyone that he wasn’t suicidal anymore. That it was a mistake. But honestly, the pain was worse than ever now. Every day that Tyler saw Josh like this, the more he broke inside.

Tyler needed to push Josh away. He couldn’t be with him after what he’d done to the one person he loved more than anything in this world. But Josh, of course, refused to leave Tyler’s side. Tyler thought that after everything that had happened, Josh would run away. And that’s what Tyler wanted. For Josh to move on, to never have to see those eyes again, those eyes that hadn’t looked happy since that day.

Tyler knew he was confusing Josh by coming to see him at night. He relished in the comfort, the pleasure, in the warmth that Josh brought him. But as soon as the sun came up, the voices returned, making him feel horribly guilty for playing with Josh even as he tried to push him away, only for the cycle to repeat the next night.

Sex was the only thing that Tyler could completely lose himself in, the only thing that distracted him for long enough to feel something other than dread. He’d been trying to keep his distance from Josh, but his resolve had finally broken.

He allowed himself to be with Josh like this just a few more times, before all of this could finally come to a conclusion. And now that he’d started, and caused Josh _more_ pain, he knew he had to finish it as well. Without Tyler, Josh wouldn’t be in so much pain. He wouldn’t be so ruined, so broken.

 _It’s okay,_ Tyler thought, _it’ll all end soon._

 

Part of Josh wished that he’d never spoken to Tyler that night, because their fling had ended, and Tyler was back to ignoring him full time. He hated himself for it, but a small part of him wished he’d been selfish and just taken what he could get, without demanding more from Tyler.

Josh was still terrified, but he saw Tyler coming to him as a sign that maybe someday things would be normal again. Clearly, he still wanted Josh as much as Josh wanted him, and it would just be a matter of time before he was able to open up to him emotionally as well as physically… _right?_

 Tyler would be okay again. He had to be.

 

Days passed. Weeks.

Tyler hoped the voices would go away on their own.

More begging. More crying.

The voices had no mercy.

And so came the end.

A noose. A note, written in shaky handwriting, stained with tears.

Endless pages, an aching wrist from writing furiously.

A final kiss. A final “I love you.”

A chair, kicked back. Light, and then darkness. And silence.

No more voices.

Finally. No more voices.

 

Josh found Tyler.

Shock, realization.

The pain was unbearable.

It ripped through his chest and he felt the pain in every bone in his body.

Screaming, sobbing, nothing felt like enough.

Josh wanted to scream until his lungs gave out, wanted to cry until there were no tears left, wanted to vomit until his stomach was empty.

A note. Josh saw a note sitting on Tyler’s desk.

 

_“Josh._

_You were right all those times you insisted I still loved you. I do. Even as I write this, I do. You were light. You were everything beautiful in the world. Your laugh, like songbirds, and your smile, like the sun. You were so soft, so gentle with me. I needed to touch you again. I’m sorry. But I just needed to feel your warmth, your comfort, and your delicate touch again. Loving you was both my reason for living and my reason for dying. You loved me too much. You didn’t listen when I told you to leave, to move on. You stayed, Josh. You shouldn’t have stayed. I hurt you for so long. It’s okay Josh; you don’t have to hurt anymore. Neither do I. I don’t have to be tormented by your beautiful eyes, those sad, beautiful eyes. They don’t have to haunt me anymore. And you don’t have to live in a world where I exist. This Tyler, this shell of who I was when we were together. I think you were in love with the other me. Before it got too hard to continue, before I gave up. You loved the Tyler that still wanted to fight. You loved the Tyler that woke you up at 4 am so we could drive to the beach and watch the sunrise, just because I knew it was cheesy. You loved the Tyler that walked four miles in the rain just to get Taco Bell with you because we were craving burritos. You miss the Tyler who took you on a road trip to Arizona just to buy you tacky souvenirs. The Tyler who got drunk with you and laughed with you until we were breathless. Swing sets, and milkshakes, and concerts and Christmas. That was the Tyler you loved. Sometimes, I longed for him too. But he was long gone by the time I wrote this note. I held out hope that he’d return for too long. I put you in too much pain as I begged for his return. I love you so much, Josh. You deserve the world._

_Forever yours,_

_Tyler”_

 

Josh had hoped the funeral would never come. He couldn’t acknowledge that Tyler was really gone. It was too much. He wanted to act like Tyler would come back, would knock on his door softly and kiss him until everything was okay again. He wanted to feel Tyler’s skin again, to look into his eyes, to tell him he loved him, just one more time.

There were too many strangers there, family friends or distant relatives, shaking Josh’s hand and telling him how great Tyler was. He couldn’t focus on anything but the picture of Tyler surrounded by candles and flowers, and the urn next to it that held his ashes. The only thing that remained of Tyler. Just dust.

Josh hadn’t spoken since he found Tyler. Not to anyone. He had nothing to say. But now he stood in front of a room of people who he didn’t know, expected to talk about Tyler. The love of his life, his entire world, his reason for _being,_ and now just a photograph and an urn.

“Tyler, he was, um, well… he was everything. He was everything I’ve ever wanted or needed. To know Tyler was to love Tyler. He, uh, he used to be so… He was so bright. He was like a sparkler. He was so bright and fascinating and gorgeous but I…” Josh had to speak through his tears now. “I had to watch him burn out right in front of me.”

Sobbing. It was something he’d done a lot lately. Nothing had been this hard. To sum Tyler up was impossible. Tyler was so complicated, so beautiful.

“Tyler once said to me, ‘Joshie, someday when you and I are wrinkled old men together, we’ll still love each other like when we were kids. You’ll still have that light in your eyes, and even if the world crumbles around us, we’ll have this. We’ll have us.’ I wish he’d been right. I think about it a lot. What Tyler would’ve looked like at 40, 50, 60 years old. He would always be gorgeous. He’d still have that delicate, golden skin, and those eyes, so big and beautiful. And he’d always have me.”

Josh couldn’t speak anymore. It was too much. He’d grown tired of crying.

 

Tyler’s ashes were planted with a seed that would one day be a tree.

Josh watched as Tyler sprouted out of the ground, and grew into something almost as beautiful as he’d once been. It was a massive tree, one with sturdy branches that Josh’s kids loved to climb. Josh put up a tire swing, too, and laughed as his daughter squealed with glee. He taught his son to read under the shade of that tree.

Years passed and Josh still sat with Tyler, relaxed on the soft grass beneath the tree.

_You were right, Tyler. We’re wrinkled old men and we’re still here together._

**Author's Note:**

> National Suicide Prevention Hotline  
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> You're not alone. Please, please stay alive. |-/


End file.
